


We All Have to Carry On Don't We

by Neutral03



Series: SnowBaz Drabbles and What Not [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Gen, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal thoughts/tendencies, father-son bodning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2020-11-01 07:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20811668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neutral03/pseuds/Neutral03
Summary: After his Leaver's Ball Baz goes home to spend some time with his family before he goes to London. There he has a late night heart to heart with his father.





	We All Have to Carry On Don't We

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished reading Carry On and fell in Love with Baz. And I wanted to write this after I finished updating all of the other stories that I have going. This might be a little AU since I haven't read Wayward Son yet. That's next on my to-do list for writing after I update one more story. Hope you guys enjoy.

The night of the Leaver's Ball was wonderful. It was the most magical night in Baz's whole life. And he got to spend it with the man he had been in love with since he was 11 years old. Nothing could bring him down from this high he was on. Well, except maybe his family. Now, don't get him wrong Baz loves his family, they treat him well and love him even though he is considered a monster in majority of the other mage's eyes. He's grateful for all that they have done for him, but sometimes Baz wishes that they would except him for who he is. They brush off the fact that he's dead, and a vampire that has to go into the woods at night periodically to feed so that he can stand up straight. Or that fact that he would rather be caught doing sexual activities with that hot chauffer that his father had hired when he broke his leg Baz's first year at Watford so that he could go to Coven meetings, rather than the maids and housekeepers that go through the house. The only thing that his family will acknowledge is that fact that he's highly flammable. And that he smokes on occasion, a habit that he picked up from his aunt Fiona. All in all he's had a good life so far with the exception of being turned into a vampire and watching his mother kill herself to save everyone in that nursery and to keep herself from being turned.

But the real reason that he's home this time is more than just the fact that he's now a Wartford graduate at the top of his class, just like his mother, it's to feel somewhat human again in the sense. One of the last times that he was really home him and his family were still dealing with the effects that the Humdrum had in their previous house, which cause them to move closer to Oxford than they were before since it wasn't a dead spot. And the other problem was that the Mage has finally been killed and revealed as the bad guy this whole entire time. It shocked many people, even the ones who knew that the Mage was the evil that they were supposed to protect the world from. But Baz's main concern about this was that his boyfriend( could he even say that they are boyfriends now for sure ?) was the one who had killed the Mage, him and his friend Penelope Bounce. It shook Simon up a lot and has greatly traumatized him. Simon had looked up to the Mage as a mentor, protector, and as a Father figure. It crushed him when he realized how insane and evil he is and how dangerous. It kills Baz just a little bit inside(Yes, even though he's dead he can still feel emotions for people) because of the way that he had to find out. It was very traumatic for Simon to walk into the Mage his father in his mind to killing Ebb the goatherd who he thought of as his mother. And he knows that Simon will most likely always be affected by this. And it just breaks Baz's heart even though it doesn't really even beat anymore though.

Though there isn't really that much that Baz can do for him than just being there for him. And it's slowly driving him insane. He wants to make Simon better, he wants Simon to be able to enjoy his life like he used to be able to do. Simon used to be so happy, even though preforming spells and other uses of his magick didn't always end well. Simon had a perfectly good and fine life before all of this went down with the Humdrum. Baz wishes that there was just some kind of cure that he can give him that will make all of his problems go away and just let Simon live his life that he wants to live. He deserves at least that after all the World of Mages has done to him and all of the trauma that it had caused him in the past 8 years. And now when he's finally free of that wretched school, instead of being a free man like the rest of them he has to deal with the fallout of that horrible night. It's been months and Baz can still tell that Simon is still not himself. The light in his eyes are beginning to flicker out of that sea of blue. All that Baz wants to be able to do is to lay on Simon's chest( Yes he would be the little spoon, even though he's the taller of the two of them, he likes that position ok.) and listen to Simon's heartbeat as he tries to play with those blonde curls of his. It would have been a nice way to spend the rest of their lives together. It was something that Baz thought that Simon deserved to have after all that he's been through. 

Even after all these years, all that Baz can think about most of the time is Simon Snow. He has always been somewhere in his mind actively trying to distract Baz from what he was supposed to be doing. Even when the two of them were supposed to hate each other and be mortal enemies, Baz would still go off into his own little dream world where he and Simon could get their own happily ever after and live a peaceful life together. Childish, he knows, and he tried to stop, but that's all that he could think about especially in their 5th and 6th years. Then he tried as hard as he could to get those thoughts and feelings out of his head and out of his symptoms. Nothing that he did would work. And believe you and me that boy tried everything that he could think of. But alas, nothing worked, instead it only made him think about Simon even more than before. Which was one of the primary factors as to why they fought all the time in their Watford days. Baz himself will admit that he did everything and anything that he could think of that would get Simon's attention on him and solely him and not on Agatha, or Penny, or the Humdrum, etc. And the only way that he could successfully do that was to provoke him into fighting with him. The only thing keeping Simon from kicking Baz's ass during that time was the roommate anathema. After Simon froze his hand for a few days after he threw a book at him helped Baz out a lot in that regards. 

Now, Baz will tell literally anyone and everyone that will come up to him that he is in love with Simon. He would do anything for that boy. The Chimera incident excluded from that of course, though there is a story behind that one. Though going into the background information on that one. When Simon had followed him out into the woods during their 5th year, he was going to feed and hadn't really expected Simon or anything really coming out to meet him, let alone a big giant Chimera! Needless to say around that time was one of the periods in Baz's life where his mental state wasn't the best for making decision. And no, he does not mean that Simon was right and he actually did try to feed him to that beast on purpose as part of some big grand old plan from the Old Families to try and get rid of the Mage's Chosen One, once and for all. It surprised him just as much as Simon that the thing was out there with them. What Baz really wants to call attention to was that the fact that, that night in the woods on Christmas Eve, with Simon when he tried to kill himself(Which he still hasn't told any of his family about by the way.) Not even Simon knows that it wasn't his first time trying to kill himself. The first time that he contemplated killing himself was in their 5th year of school, a couple of months before the Chimera showed up on campus. Actually, him wanting to kill himself was the reason that he had realized that his feelings for Simon in the first place were more romantic than hateful. It wasn't until the Chimera had shown up and Simon had started yelling at him that he was the reason that it was there and that it was all an evil plot to get back at the Mage and to kill him that Baz tried to put it into action. He figured that if the one person who he could maybe actually love, would accuse him of trying to ever harm him and always think of him as some sort of monster because of what his family was and what the Mage was brainwashing him with then his life wasn't worth that much for him to live anymore was it. So his original plan that day had been for him to die. Never in all of eternity that he had left to live would he had ever willingly let anything to Simon Snow. Even though once he came on the scene was he then trained by his father over and over again that he would have to kill him or be killed by him in some sort of great war between the Old Families and the Mage for control of the Magickal World, he loved Simon to much to do that. He would have and was fully prepared to let Simon kill him when the time came for it. Maybe it was a way for him to be reunited with his mother again in the afterlife, if vampires even get to go there and they all don't just go strait down to Hell and spend the rest of their lives being tortured and miserable that is. Baz always guessed that he would find that part out whenever he would get there. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With Baz being so lost in his own musing as he wandered around the massive library that was located in their house, he had failed to notice, even with his heightened senses, someone entering the room. He didn't notice until the last second that there was someone in the room and that he wasn't alone anymore. He went and hid behind one of the many bookcases located in the room and waited for whoever it was to come looking for him. He was secretly scared, that it was the numpties, coming back for him again to lock him that dreadful coffin where he'll spend all of eternity starving until he just dropped dead and his corpse shriveled up while they slept for the winter. And then he would never get to see any of his family again, or his friends. He was especially worried that he wouldn't get to see Simon ever again if he was right. 

All of a sudden Baz heard a noise coming from one of the shelves near his right. He decided that the art of stealth was on his side and decided that he could use that to his advantage. His plan was that when the intruder, whoever they were, when they got close enough to him was when he would strike and take them down. Though in his adrenaline high state, Baz failed to notice if the sounds of the person's footsteps sounded familiar to him or not. All that he knew was that there was someone in his home that could possibly be there to hurt him or his family. And in that moment his fight or flight instincts kicked in and when the intruder got close enough he lashed out at them. 

It wasn't until Baz had the man pinned beneath him and he was groaning from the pain and he got a good look at them did he realize his mistake. For, you see it wasn't some sort of intruder that had come into the library, it was his own father Malcolm Grimm. Who had probably come in there looking for him, for some reason that Baz doesn't know about yet and Baz had flipped him over his shoulder onto the floor. Now, this wouldn't be that big of a problem for a normal person when this happens, except for the fact that Baz isn't normal. He's a whole lot stronger than your average body builder, and sometimes even though he's been a vampire since he was 5 he still doesn't know his own strength; especially when he's in an highly emotional situation or is scared out of his mind for some reason. This time being one of them. Hence, his apprehension of talking to his father now, because Baz knows that he at the very least had bruised his father in multiple places when he threw him to the ground. And once of the only thoughts on Baz's mind about this is, how it was either going to make a overtly awkward conversation between the two of them, or a funny antidote that his father can tell at parties when he's not there. Well, Baz thought to himself, he might as well go ahead and get this over with then shouldn't he. 

"Ah, hello father,.. fancy seeing you here isn't? ha..." Baz said awkwardly as he broke the ice. He could tell that by the look on his father's face that he wasn't very amused by this situation at all. " Hello, Basilton, and I should be expected to be here, since this is my home, but as I can tell you are quite glad to see me are you not son?" Malcolm said with sarcasism dripping from his voice. And that was kind of how Baz knew that he was in for one of two things in that moment. The first one was that he was in trouble for flipping his father over his shoulder and throwing him on the ground and thus showing off his vampire strength. Or, the second one was that his father had come in here to try and talk to Baz again in a father-son kind of way and was just surprised that Baz had flipped him; though that meant that his father knew where he was hiding at(which he was not by the way), and had him in a place where he couldn't escape and actually have to talk to him for once. Knowing his father like he does, Baz figured that it was probably the second option that he had the pleasure of looking forward to now. 

He waited a few minutes to give his father time to gather up his thoughts. He always has to do that when he has to talk about something important. And this time he has a lot of important topics to talk about, his son's vampirism, or his gayness? Baz knew that he would have to discuss both topics with his father at some point today, he just didn't know which one he would bring up first. And that aspect was a little bit unnerving to him. Just like his father, and his mother too Baz was a planner and a thinker. His father was that way becasue he wanted to plan out what he wanted to say so that it would make the most sense to whomever he was talking too. And his mother was like that mainly becasue it was a Pitch family trait. The Pitches were a family who were cold, calculating and powerful. So, they needed to know how to mainipulate the situation in their favor. It was how they had maintained their power for so long until his mother was killed by the vampires when he was 5. It was something that he got from both of hid parents. He was never that close with his father ever since his mother died. And it always reminded him that he had a part of his mother always with him. That thought brought a small sad smile to his face at the thought of his mother. He loved her, he still loves her in fact, she was always there for him up until her death. And that thought makes him cry a little inside. 

"Um, there is a reason that I have come to talk to you today son." His father said as he started out what Baz knows will be a long drawn out monologue of how he either had to keep him being a vampire a secret or how he's a disappointment because of his sexual orientation. Baz sat down in one of the sitting chairs near the grand windows of the area of the library that they had moved to. He also knew that he would have to answer his father at some point too. He just didn't exactly know how to do that, even though he graduated at the top of his class, and he is a highly intelligent person, he has trouble expressing his feelings openly. And that is also a trait that he received from both of parents. And that only just makes talking to his father that much harder, because even though he looks and acts more like his mother than his father, her is still his father's son. And what people normally don't mention about his parents it that his father is more stubborn than anyone could ever imagine his mother being. She may have been the cold hearted, hot-headed one of the two of them, but it's his father who is more stubborn than any mule you'll ever meet. And that's part of the reason that he's so stubborn and mule-headed towards everyone that he has ever met. It's also part of the reason that he had so much trouble with wanting to tell Simon that he was in love with him when he first realized it. Part of it was that he was to stubborn to admit that he was in love with anyone, and the other part was that he was so scared that Simon would have somehow rejected him. Anyway, the only problem is that now that he's thinking about is that he's nervous about what this talk will mean for his relationship with his father. Is this where he disowns him for being gay or a vampire? Where he kicks him out and he has to fend for himself, living between his Aunt Fiona, and Simon and Penny. Or is this the day that he has dreaded ever since he was old enough to realize exactly what he was, and that he would have to be killed one day because nobody wanted a monster around them. 

It took him a few minutes for him to work up the nerve to actually talk to his father. Until that time the two men just sat there in silence and stared at each other for a while. When he finally got to it he was a little stressed about what he wanted to say to his father. "Yes father, what was it that you wanted to talk about with me?" Baz tried to tell him as calmly as possible. He just wanted to get this conversation over with so that he could go to his room and maybe call Simon. Well he'd have to call Bounce to actually get to talk to him though, all of those years were the Mage wouldn't let him have a phone kind of makes it hard for anyone even now to get a hold of him to talk with him. He still doesn't have a phone yet, and the only way that Baz can normally talk to him is to call or text Penny and ask/tell her to give Simon the phone so that they could talk. He did this so that he could check up on Simon to make sure that he's doing ok and that he's going to therapy and what he wants to do when they see each other next. Talking to Simon is more calming and less nerve wrecking than talking to his father. His relationship between him and his father has always been an odd one. The two of them love each other and they can talk with each other. But, the older Baz got the more difficult it was that to be able to talk to him about personal things. And by the time he had gotten kidnapped right before his 8th year, the two were like strangers to each other. Now though, they are slowly trying to rebuild what was lost to them all of those years ago. And Baz has a feeling that this talk is part of his plan to do that. So he just has to sit there and let him do it, because Baz knows that his father won't let him get out of this. 

It took Malcolm awhile before he was able to talk to his son, but when he did his words were a shock to Baz. "You look so much like your mother." He told him. "You may have my widow's peak, but everything else about you is your mother made over, and sometimes Fiona, sometimes I swear if I wasn't there for everything or the fact that I knew that your mother would never cheat on me, that I would questioned that you were my son." Baz sat there for a moment, stunned and in silence, he was pondering over what his father had just told them. It was very out of character for his father to say something like that to him. His father's personality is normally very quite and stoic and unmoving about anything that involves something that has to do with any kind of emotion. It just wasn't done with him ! " I know this," Baz told his father slowly. "What does the fact that I favor mum more than you in the looks department have to do with what you wanted to speak with me about father?" Baz was really starting to get confused now, another thing that his father never did was bring up his late mother in conversation, or talk about her at all period. Nothing that his father is saying is making any sense about what he was here to talk to him about. In the time that he was pondering about what all this could mean, Baz never once would have thought that the next words that came out of his father's mouth would have happened. "You're in love with that Snow boy aren't you?" It was then and there that the rug was pulled from beneath his feet. 

Baz sat back in his seat completely floored and awestruck. 'How had his father known?' I mean Baz knew that his father knew that he was gay and that there was no way that any spell that he could come up with would change that. But the one thing that Baz was certain that he never told anyone was that he was in love with the ex-Chosen One, Simon Snow. He knew that if any of the Old Families, included the one that he belonged to ever found out about it, he would be a dead duck. Well, in his case it would be more of a vampire set ablaze like a piece of flash paper. It just wasn't something that he could admit out loud without the fear of death or some sort of dire consequences. In their eyes, Simon, along with the Mage who is now dead, were the enemy to them, and that they had to be stopped, so that they could return the Magikcal World back to what it used to be. Falling in love with them when you were about 15 years old was not on the agenda that was laid out before him. It just wasn't how things were run around here. Well now, anything is possible now that Baz can guess since his world has been tumbling down and up and down for months now. And sitting there in front of his father and having to admit all of his dark and terrible secrets is not what he was planning on doing this fine evening that he was home. Baz could feel the anxiety and the complete and utter fear crawling its way up his throat. Dread and nerves had settled deep in his chest like it was made of cement. And the nausea that normally came with this as a packaged deal had made a home in his stomach and settled like lead there. He thought that he was going to puke, if he couldn't get away from his father soon. Baz was so far gone that it took him awhile to realize it when his father was trying to calm him down and bring him back to reality. 

"Basilton, Basilton, breathe son," Malcolm said as he tried to calm down his son. He had noticed that Baz had seem to just still in the middle of the conversation and had started to worry when he realized that his breathing was worsening as he sat there. Even though they haven't been that close over the years since his first wife's death, it hasn't stopped Malcolm from worrying over his son. He has always been fearful for Baz. First he lost his mother, then he almost lost him when he was first turned. he can remember him and his sister-in-law at the time Fiona casting healing spell after healing spell on him, trying their hardest to save him. Even though knowing that Natasha hated vampires so much that when she too was turned in the attack at the nursey in the school, she killed herself, along with all of the other vampires almost instantaneously. It scared Malcolm sometimes whenever he thought about it. He loved Natasha Pitch with everything that he had, and he knew that she loved him too, but it dawns on him periodically from time to time that she could one of the most cold, cruel, and scariest people around when push came to shove. He wonders sometimes what would have happened to their son if Natasha would have lived after that day. He didn't know, and he had a hard time thinking about what she would have done if she would have been there. And that always sends a cold chill down his spine when he thinks about it. In times like these, it's when he realizes that he loves his son and his other children more than anything in this world. And he wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them. Proof of this was when Baz got kidnapped right before his 8th year, and no one could find him for two months. When the ransom was sent, Malcolm wanted to pay it right away, but Fiona had slapped him across the face and called him a coward, and told him that Pitches don't pay ransoms. He was furious with her for that, he didn't care if his actions seemed cowardly or not, he just wanted his son back in his arms safe and sound. That was a point where Malcolm realized that Baz may not exactly know how much he is loved in this family, and that just breaks his heart when he thinks about it. 

It took them awhile but, Malcolm was finally able to calm down Baz enough to continue their conversation. When he was calm enough Malcolm, tried to continue on with their conversation. "Listen, Basilton I'm not upset with you son." He told Baz. Baz looked up at his father in surprise, he had never thought that sentence would come out of his father's mouth like ever. His father has always been very stern and conservative in his beliefs. Baz can remember when he first had tried to come out to his father a couple of years ago, he had been furious and had blown up on him. He can remember crying into his step-mother's shoulder for hours in his room after the heated confrontation that he had with his father. It had gotten to the point that Daphnne couldn't calm him down almost at all, and she had to call his aunt Fiona to come to the house. Even though he is very close to his aunt it took her almost 2 and a half hours to calm him down to talk coherently. That was the day that Baz truly felt that he was indeed a disappointment to his father and the rest of his family, and that just utterly crushed him. So, it's kind of hard to blame him for hearing that his father wasn't mad at him. Though for what he wasn't entirely sure about though. 

"What are you not upset with me about?" Baz asked him, and cringed at how wrecked his voice sounded from his min-mental breakdown that he had earlier. "Is the fact that I'm gay, and I'm in love with adopted son of the psychotic man that murder my mother and was trying to do everything in his power to get rid of me and take out the old families with me." He could feel his hands shaking and tears pooling in his eyes. All of the emotions that had been building up in Baz for years were finally bubbling up to the surface. "Yes, I know what father doesn't want to go around and brag about his oldest son is a queer, and is off doing God knows what with a bunch of strange men and possibly spreading STDs and the fact that he is going down on a path that is destined for Damnnation." Baz could feel that he was getting ready to blow up on his father, and at this time he doesn't really care anymore. "Or, is it, let me guess the fact that I'm a blood sucking vampire, who is viewed so low in your opinion that you probably wouldn't even care if I was killed by a hunter or if I did it by myself!" He yelled at his father. " And I bet that you don't even give a damn about the fact that I almost killed myself on Christmas Eve, and I would have done it too if it hadn't have been for Simon Snow!" He was so lost in his head that he was surprised when his father slapped him across the face. Baz sat there in shock for a minute just staring at his father in awe. 

"Don't,…. Don't you dare talk about yourself like that." Malcolm said in a quiet and control voice. Baz was once again floored by his father. Never in a million years had he ever expected his father to be this accepting of him. Though it was really hard to gauge his reactions to most of the information that he just blurted out since he's good at masking his emotions. "You are my son and I will not stand to listen to you talk about yourself like that do you hear me Tyrannus?" He told him. And Baz knew he meant it since he used his real name. " I know that I probably haven't been the best and supporting of fathers to you in the past years, and for that son I am sorry." Baz looked up at his father and saw that the man was crying. In all of his 18 years of life, and even when his mother was killed Baz had never once seen him cry, ever. So to see the man, the rock of the family so to speak sitting across from him balling his eyes out, it was heart wrenching. "I never knew that what you were feeling was so bad, or that you were suicidal and that you tried to kill yourself." His father was really starting to cry now. The scene was breaking Baz's heart. 

"You're not a bad father." Baz said quietly as he moved over to kneel in front of his father. He hated seeing people cry, and even though he gives off the impression that he's cold and has no heart, that is in fact all a lie. In reality Baz could cry at the drop of a hat some days. There are days where he can show almost no emotion, and then there are days were all that he just wants to do is cry and cry. He knows that these days have gotten worse since he was kidnapped. Ever since Fiona brought him back to school he hasn't really felt like himself. And he knew that it was taking a toll on his body. But he would have never thought that his family would care if he told them or not. Now he realizes that he should have been more open with his family and put out his feelings to those that he loves, instead of keeping everything to himself. "You've tired your best to give me a good life, and teach me to be a proper man, and for that I am thankful." Baz told him. "And I know that I've never told you this, but I was so scared that you would write me off, or that you would get rid of me." Baz only now realizes that he too is crying now also. He feels really embarrassed about it, but he also knows that this is also a natural reaction. He was once again surprised when his father reached out and hugged him. It took a few minutes for him to react and hug him back. It was then that Baz realized that it was the first time in a long time that he and his father had hugged, and that made him feel guilty about making his father upset. "You are not the bad guy here, I'm just a bad son." Baz told him as he buried his face into his father's neck. 

"No, it wasn't just all your doing Basilton." His father told him. "We are both at fault here, and the blame can go both ways." Malcolm had pulled back a little so that he could see his son's face. "I never realized that I messed up until the Numpties had you, I thought that you were dead, and I was so scared that I would never hold you in my arms again. It made me realize that I wasn't the father that I needed to be to you and for that I am sorry." Malcolm said as he kissed his son on the head. "And I realized that all you ever tried to do was please me as a child and to do your very best, so that you could make up for being a vampire, and for being gay." He pushed back a lock of Baz's hair, and it was then that he realized that his son was a man now. He was no longer that scared 5 year old child that just lost his mother and had his whole world turned upside down because he couldn't fathom that he was a new species now. And it broke his hear that he missed a lot of that because he was to stubborn to reach out and extend the olive branch and be the understanding parent that he needed to be. And that will always be a regret of his. 

"What do you say that we start over now, and try to be more open with each other." Malcolm purposed. Baz nodded his head in agreement, and ended up climbing into his father's lap and hiding his face into his neck. It reminded him of when Baz was little and used to climb into bed with him and Natasha whenever he would have a nightmare and he wouldn't go to sleep unless he was in this exact same position. He smiled to himself and it was then that it dawned on him that he had his son back. Sure their relationship wasn't perfect and they most definitely have a rocky road ahead of them but they could do it. They were Grimms after all and they always found a way to survive. But Malcolm didn't dwell on all of the problems that Baz had listed off that needed to be attended to at a later time than this, he was just happy to be holding his son. And that was the position that they would be found in hours later when Daphnne would come looking for them in the library curled up in a chair, Baz in Malcolm's lap both fast asleep. And then she would smile to herself and think that she'll point out to her husband tomorrow that she was in fact right about going and talking to Baz like they were father and son instead of true strangers. It just warmed her heart at the sight. Well, she'll talk to the too of them about that tomorrow. Instead she spelled the two of them into their pjs and moved them both to Baz's bed and tucked them in. She told them goodnight as she closed the door behind her.

. 


End file.
